Dear D
And so it ends.
I wonder why I'm even surprised that it ended with an E-Mail. But it's always been this way, hasn't it.
After all that's happened, one would expect me to be the one breaking up. But no. Of course not. I loved you too much to let go just like that. And yes, note the past tense.
I've never truly understood you. I still don't know whether you ever really loved me, since you choose to be so mysterious about it all. I can't force you to answer my questions, of course. It would be so much easier if we could speak to each other normally, like normal people, for example on the phone. Then again, it's you I'm talking to. A phone call isn't an option, I remember.
Actually, I didn't want this to turn into a letter full of accusations and reproach like all the others. This is the last letter, after all - at least for now.
I wanted to thank you.
You showed me what it means to love, to be happy, to feel that kind of electric, wordless passion between two people. Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for making me feel loved and desired.
I wanted to say Goodbye.
You've been an important part of my life - you still are. What happened between us has changed me and influenced me a lot, just like every other experience in life. Just that you were a major one.
I think I can say that you were my first true love. I've never felt so strongly for anyone before and I'm pretty sure I won't ever feel that way for any other person again, though it's like that with every love, isn't it? No love is the same.
Farewell, dearest D.
I'll never forget you.
/P.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
22nd Letter
Dear D
You know you really can't blame me for being angry or sad or mean or even unfaithful to you. It's not like you're trying to make things better.
Thirteen days. Congratulations. This is the second longest period of silence. You're getting better and better at it. It's awfully bitter, really.
Sometimes I catch myself not wanting to see you after all. Because, in all honesty, why should I? This is just stupid. If you really want me, at least try to have me. Stop taking me for granted, it's painful and annoying and it hurts my pride. Yes, I do in fact still have some pride.
Due to this pride I've let go recently. Not only of you, of things in general. Can you imagine how relaxing it is? Not having any sort of commitment to anything? Seriously, it's liberating.
I hope your future girlfriends will be better off than me. You must treasure them, and don't ever take them for granted. Just a piece of advice.
/P.
You know you really can't blame me for being angry or sad or mean or even unfaithful to you. It's not like you're trying to make things better.
Thirteen days. Congratulations. This is the second longest period of silence. You're getting better and better at it. It's awfully bitter, really.
Sometimes I catch myself not wanting to see you after all. Because, in all honesty, why should I? This is just stupid. If you really want me, at least try to have me. Stop taking me for granted, it's painful and annoying and it hurts my pride. Yes, I do in fact still have some pride.
Due to this pride I've let go recently. Not only of you, of things in general. Can you imagine how relaxing it is? Not having any sort of commitment to anything? Seriously, it's liberating.
I hope your future girlfriends will be better off than me. You must treasure them, and don't ever take them for granted. Just a piece of advice.
/P.
Monday, June 4, 2012
21st Letter
Dear D
You've been diligent. All the "I love you"s and whatnot.
Are you scared?
Are you nervous about seeing me in a months time, after a whole year? I know I am. I don't even know how you look like now. I only know how you sound like, how you brain works, but that's it. Nothing more. You're like a shadow looming in the back of my head, always there, watching me.
Maybe that's why I've stopped feeling so guilty. You're not real. You're just a shadow.
I probably should be feeling really really guilty by now. A year ago I promised myself to stay 'single' until our next meeting, naive as I was, and to practice chastity. Hah. Turns out it's not easy. And it's boring. And I know this sounds awfully egoistical and mean and all, but that's just who I am. I'm not a saint, hell no. I'm a girl who wants to enjoy herself while she can, and that's precisely what I'm doing. I enjoy the feeling of being wanted. He wants me, he tries to have me, I let him struggle for a while and then he gets me. It goes on and on, in circles. And it's so much fun. The sex is good, the chemistry is good, none of my time is wasted when I'm with the other one. I don't close my eyes and imagine you in his place, I never did.
But on the other hand, there's this nagging feeling. I supposed it's the girl from back then, accusing me and making me feel like I'm a terrible person. I am a terrible person. You just don't know it.
In all honesty, I do feel guilty. A lot. Sometimes I wake up at night crying and I think to myself, how can you do this to D? How can you do this to yourself? But then I think about all the times you've neglected me. You don't deserve me. Only the question is: Do I deserve you?
I don't know. We'll never know.
So let's just go on and play pretend, though it's tiresome at times.
/P.
It's strange how I can be almost completely honest with you this way. I'm not entirely honest. That's material for another blog. I won't ever write to you in that way, ever. Even though it's an unofficial letter to you, it's still a letter in some way meant for you to actually read, in a parallel universe or whatever. So I choose to keep away my darkest side from you after all.
You've been diligent. All the "I love you"s and whatnot.
Are you scared?
Are you nervous about seeing me in a months time, after a whole year? I know I am. I don't even know how you look like now. I only know how you sound like, how you brain works, but that's it. Nothing more. You're like a shadow looming in the back of my head, always there, watching me.
Maybe that's why I've stopped feeling so guilty. You're not real. You're just a shadow.
I probably should be feeling really really guilty by now. A year ago I promised myself to stay 'single' until our next meeting, naive as I was, and to practice chastity. Hah. Turns out it's not easy. And it's boring. And I know this sounds awfully egoistical and mean and all, but that's just who I am. I'm not a saint, hell no. I'm a girl who wants to enjoy herself while she can, and that's precisely what I'm doing. I enjoy the feeling of being wanted. He wants me, he tries to have me, I let him struggle for a while and then he gets me. It goes on and on, in circles. And it's so much fun. The sex is good, the chemistry is good, none of my time is wasted when I'm with the other one. I don't close my eyes and imagine you in his place, I never did.
But on the other hand, there's this nagging feeling. I supposed it's the girl from back then, accusing me and making me feel like I'm a terrible person. I am a terrible person. You just don't know it.
In all honesty, I do feel guilty. A lot. Sometimes I wake up at night crying and I think to myself, how can you do this to D? How can you do this to yourself? But then I think about all the times you've neglected me. You don't deserve me. Only the question is: Do I deserve you?
I don't know. We'll never know.
So let's just go on and play pretend, though it's tiresome at times.
/P.
It's strange how I can be almost completely honest with you this way. I'm not entirely honest. That's material for another blog. I won't ever write to you in that way, ever. Even though it's an unofficial letter to you, it's still a letter in some way meant for you to actually read, in a parallel universe or whatever. So I choose to keep away my darkest side from you after all.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
20th Letter
Dear D
It's been over a month since I've written to you on this page.
So much has changed!
A week before the holidays, I was at a party. This guy sat next to me and we talked, a lot. Suddenly he kissed me. It took me by surprise - I hadn't been kissed for 278 days (yes, I've kept count of the days since you last kissed me), and it felt... weird, to be honest. But it also felt very, very releasing. He brought me home since I was pretty drunk and he was gentleman enough to know that I could be raped if I went by public transport, so he hired a taxi. I was pretty impressed by that.
The next day he texted me and asked me out on a date. I agreed. Do you know why? Because I felt lonely. Really lonely. And here's this guy who shows up and likes me and wants to date me. We've been a couple for one month and six days. That's about a tenth of the time I've been your girlfriend. And yet we've done so much more. I've experienced so many more feelings with him than with you.
The original purpose of this blog was to write you letters every now and then, things I can't tell you in person, things I can't tell you because I'd seem obsessive, things I can't tell you because you barely ever write back. You know, you only called me once since the last time we met, and all you said was "sorry, I dialed the wrong number, I'll write to you later". Really? Is that what you tell your long-distance-girlfriend on the first and last time you call her? He called my five times during the two weeks I was away on vacation. Five fucking times.
On one hand, I feel terrible and sinful for cheating on you. On the other hand, I can't help but feeling that he is someone destined to be with me. He doesn't know about you. He never will. I don't want to hurt him, especially because of the feelings he has for me. Before you ask, I don't know what I feel for him. It's not love. I love you. Not that I have the right to say it by now, but it's true. The truth is that I love you so much that it's too much. And I need him to cope with this overload of love that I have for you. He's not a substitute. He's more like a pillow, softening my fall from the cliff of my love for you. Something like that. I realize that I'm using him, but I also really need him. Just as I really need you.
You will never know about this letter. You will never know about how I've betrayed you. You'll never have to experience the pain of knowing all this. It's unfair. But I'm too much of a coward and an egoist to tell you the truth. I want to keep you all to myself despite everything. I'll probably burn in hell for this.
Forgive me. I still love you. And I will always continue to do so. There will always be a part of me that will only exist for you. Always.
/P.
Write.
My dearest, dearest friend, my precious heartbreaker, you who don't know how badly it hurts to be left behind without a warm word or sign of life.
Love me.
It's been over a month since I've written to you on this page.
So much has changed!
A week before the holidays, I was at a party. This guy sat next to me and we talked, a lot. Suddenly he kissed me. It took me by surprise - I hadn't been kissed for 278 days (yes, I've kept count of the days since you last kissed me), and it felt... weird, to be honest. But it also felt very, very releasing. He brought me home since I was pretty drunk and he was gentleman enough to know that I could be raped if I went by public transport, so he hired a taxi. I was pretty impressed by that.
The next day he texted me and asked me out on a date. I agreed. Do you know why? Because I felt lonely. Really lonely. And here's this guy who shows up and likes me and wants to date me. We've been a couple for one month and six days. That's about a tenth of the time I've been your girlfriend. And yet we've done so much more. I've experienced so many more feelings with him than with you.
The original purpose of this blog was to write you letters every now and then, things I can't tell you in person, things I can't tell you because I'd seem obsessive, things I can't tell you because you barely ever write back. You know, you only called me once since the last time we met, and all you said was "sorry, I dialed the wrong number, I'll write to you later". Really? Is that what you tell your long-distance-girlfriend on the first and last time you call her? He called my five times during the two weeks I was away on vacation. Five fucking times.
On one hand, I feel terrible and sinful for cheating on you. On the other hand, I can't help but feeling that he is someone destined to be with me. He doesn't know about you. He never will. I don't want to hurt him, especially because of the feelings he has for me. Before you ask, I don't know what I feel for him. It's not love. I love you. Not that I have the right to say it by now, but it's true. The truth is that I love you so much that it's too much. And I need him to cope with this overload of love that I have for you. He's not a substitute. He's more like a pillow, softening my fall from the cliff of my love for you. Something like that. I realize that I'm using him, but I also really need him. Just as I really need you.
You will never know about this letter. You will never know about how I've betrayed you. You'll never have to experience the pain of knowing all this. It's unfair. But I'm too much of a coward and an egoist to tell you the truth. I want to keep you all to myself despite everything. I'll probably burn in hell for this.
Forgive me. I still love you. And I will always continue to do so. There will always be a part of me that will only exist for you. Always.
/P.
Write.
My dearest, dearest friend, my precious heartbreaker, you who don't know how badly it hurts to be left behind without a warm word or sign of life.
Love me.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
19th Letter
Dear D
Write. For God's sake please write. I beg of you. Five days of silence are more than enough. Don't you understand that the longer I have to wait, the more painful it gets?! Every single fucking day is so damn painful without you. I might not show it too much, but it really really hurts. So, please write.
/P.
Write. For God's sake please write. I beg of you. Five days of silence are more than enough. Don't you understand that the longer I have to wait, the more painful it gets?! Every single fucking day is so damn painful without you. I might not show it too much, but it really really hurts. So, please write.
/P.
18th Letter
Dear D
Again you internet connection is dead. Or is it just an excuse? Anyway, I'll answer your questions. One by one, in all honesty. Maybe I'll give you the answers personally one day, but for now I don't want to risk making an idiot out of myself. For some reason I feel cheesy when I read my answers.
Your question was whether I was ever serious with someone. I define that question with the following 5 questions. And I have been serious with only two people in my life. An ex of mine, and you. I'll answer the questions according to our current relationship ;)
Have you ever thought how you would look like in 7 years?
Yes. I wish there was a future for us, but that's not for me to decide. I actually had a dream once in which you proposed to me on my 18nth birthday ^^
Have you ever had sex with him?
Nope. Hoping to change that soon... :)
Have you ever dreamed of sharing a home?
Yes. If I could I'd spent the rest of my life with you. Have baths together, eat you for breakfast...
Have you ever had dinner with his parents and him with yours?
Again you internet connection is dead. Or is it just an excuse? Anyway, I'll answer your questions. One by one, in all honesty. Maybe I'll give you the answers personally one day, but for now I don't want to risk making an idiot out of myself. For some reason I feel cheesy when I read my answers.
Your question was whether I was ever serious with someone. I define that question with the following 5 questions. And I have been serious with only two people in my life. An ex of mine, and you. I'll answer the questions according to our current relationship ;)
Have you ever thought how you would look like in 7 years?
Yes. I wish there was a future for us, but that's not for me to decide. I actually had a dream once in which you proposed to me on my 18nth birthday ^^
Have you ever had sex with him?
Nope. Hoping to change that soon... :)
Have you ever dreamed of sharing a home?
Yes. If I could I'd spent the rest of my life with you. Have baths together, eat you for breakfast...
Have you ever had dinner with his parents and him with yours?
Nope. It's a pity, though I think I met your father once. Remind me to invite you for dinner when we see each other again. God this sounds desperate.
Have you ever thought of being the mother his children?
Yes. Hell yes. If it's a daughter her name's going to be Ania. I know we both like the name. If it's a boy, you choose, I've never been able to think of a perfect boy's name.
I love you. (obviously)
/P.
Have you ever thought of being the mother his children?
Yes. Hell yes. If it's a daughter her name's going to be Ania. I know we both like the name. If it's a boy, you choose, I've never been able to think of a perfect boy's name.
I love you. (obviously)
/P.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
17th Letter
Dear D
You are seriously impossible. Somehow, no matter how much you fuck up, you can still make me smile and feel happy.
Yes, yes I want to know more about you. I'm so happy you want to know more about me, too. So cute! And yes, it does sound a bit cliche, but I don't mind in the least. I'm just so so so happy right now, it's unbelievable.
How can I be so damn happy about a single sentence? I guess I'll never know.
I love you. So much.
/P.
You are seriously impossible. Somehow, no matter how much you fuck up, you can still make me smile and feel happy.
Yes, yes I want to know more about you. I'm so happy you want to know more about me, too. So cute! And yes, it does sound a bit cliche, but I don't mind in the least. I'm just so so so happy right now, it's unbelievable.
How can I be so damn happy about a single sentence? I guess I'll never know.
I love you. So much.
/P.
Monday, January 23, 2012
16th Letter
Dear D
How's Slovakia? I hope you're enjoying your stay. Write soon.
I was sick for half a week, and now I've done something to my wrist because it keeps hurting. Ugh. Life can suck at times. Anyways when you wrote I felt a bit better though :)
Love,
/P.
How's Slovakia? I hope you're enjoying your stay. Write soon.
I was sick for half a week, and now I've done something to my wrist because it keeps hurting. Ugh. Life can suck at times. Anyways when you wrote I felt a bit better though :)
Love,
/P.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
15th Letter
Dear D
And again you've failed to write. Whatever. I guess I'm used to it by now.
E tells me I'm an idiot for staying with you since you obviously don't give a shit. She thinks I'm some kind of masochist. Maybe I am, I don't know.
I should call you properly - and not make a drunk call like last time; I hope you'll forget that one soon, it was pretty awkward of me, I know.
Please write. Or call. Just do anything. Send me a nice sms, like the one about you having dream about me. It doesn't even have to be the truth, I don't care, just... tell me you're there. Please.
/P.
And again you've failed to write. Whatever. I guess I'm used to it by now.
E tells me I'm an idiot for staying with you since you obviously don't give a shit. She thinks I'm some kind of masochist. Maybe I am, I don't know.
I should call you properly - and not make a drunk call like last time; I hope you'll forget that one soon, it was pretty awkward of me, I know.
Please write. Or call. Just do anything. Send me a nice sms, like the one about you having dream about me. It doesn't even have to be the truth, I don't care, just... tell me you're there. Please.
/P.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
14th Letter
Dear D
You're not writing again. But that's not what I wanted to tell you.
I hope you had a nice Christmas and New Year and that you didn't drink too much.
I looked through some of my old mails from you and it sounds like you don't live with you parents anymore - I don't know if I should ask you openly or not, because you might shut yourself off again and I don't want that to happen. Things being this way. I guess I'll just have to look for hints in what you say. What if you just don't want me to worry? If you tell me then I will worry, of course I will, but I worry even more when you don't say anything because not knowing what's going on is worse than being aware of the situation.
Recently I've been regretting that I told my friends thatI broke up with you. I don't even know why I said that. I guess I was angry and wanted to get rid of you in some way. But of course you're still in my head, day and night, and don't you dare to leave. :)
I hope to hear from you soon.
I love you.
/P.
You're not writing again. But that's not what I wanted to tell you.
I hope you had a nice Christmas and New Year and that you didn't drink too much.
I looked through some of my old mails from you and it sounds like you don't live with you parents anymore - I don't know if I should ask you openly or not, because you might shut yourself off again and I don't want that to happen. Things being this way. I guess I'll just have to look for hints in what you say. What if you just don't want me to worry? If you tell me then I will worry, of course I will, but I worry even more when you don't say anything because not knowing what's going on is worse than being aware of the situation.
Recently I've been regretting that I told my friends thatI broke up with you. I don't even know why I said that. I guess I was angry and wanted to get rid of you in some way. But of course you're still in my head, day and night, and don't you dare to leave. :)
I hope to hear from you soon.
I love you.
/P.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)