Dear D
You know you really can't blame me for being angry or sad or mean or even unfaithful to you. It's not like you're trying to make things better.
Thirteen days. Congratulations. This is the second longest period of silence. You're getting better and better at it. It's awfully bitter, really.
Sometimes I catch myself not wanting to see you after all. Because, in all honesty, why should I? This is just stupid. If you really want me, at least try to have me. Stop taking me for granted, it's painful and annoying and it hurts my pride. Yes, I do in fact still have some pride.
Due to this pride I've let go recently. Not only of you, of things in general. Can you imagine how relaxing it is? Not having any sort of commitment to anything? Seriously, it's liberating.
I hope your future girlfriends will be better off than me. You must treasure them, and don't ever take them for granted. Just a piece of advice.
/P.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
21st Letter
Dear D
You've been diligent. All the "I love you"s and whatnot.
Are you scared?
Are you nervous about seeing me in a months time, after a whole year? I know I am. I don't even know how you look like now. I only know how you sound like, how you brain works, but that's it. Nothing more. You're like a shadow looming in the back of my head, always there, watching me.
Maybe that's why I've stopped feeling so guilty. You're not real. You're just a shadow.
I probably should be feeling really really guilty by now. A year ago I promised myself to stay 'single' until our next meeting, naive as I was, and to practice chastity. Hah. Turns out it's not easy. And it's boring. And I know this sounds awfully egoistical and mean and all, but that's just who I am. I'm not a saint, hell no. I'm a girl who wants to enjoy herself while she can, and that's precisely what I'm doing. I enjoy the feeling of being wanted. He wants me, he tries to have me, I let him struggle for a while and then he gets me. It goes on and on, in circles. And it's so much fun. The sex is good, the chemistry is good, none of my time is wasted when I'm with the other one. I don't close my eyes and imagine you in his place, I never did.
But on the other hand, there's this nagging feeling. I supposed it's the girl from back then, accusing me and making me feel like I'm a terrible person. I am a terrible person. You just don't know it.
In all honesty, I do feel guilty. A lot. Sometimes I wake up at night crying and I think to myself, how can you do this to D? How can you do this to yourself? But then I think about all the times you've neglected me. You don't deserve me. Only the question is: Do I deserve you?
I don't know. We'll never know.
So let's just go on and play pretend, though it's tiresome at times.
/P.
It's strange how I can be almost completely honest with you this way. I'm not entirely honest. That's material for another blog. I won't ever write to you in that way, ever. Even though it's an unofficial letter to you, it's still a letter in some way meant for you to actually read, in a parallel universe or whatever. So I choose to keep away my darkest side from you after all.
You've been diligent. All the "I love you"s and whatnot.
Are you scared?
Are you nervous about seeing me in a months time, after a whole year? I know I am. I don't even know how you look like now. I only know how you sound like, how you brain works, but that's it. Nothing more. You're like a shadow looming in the back of my head, always there, watching me.
Maybe that's why I've stopped feeling so guilty. You're not real. You're just a shadow.
I probably should be feeling really really guilty by now. A year ago I promised myself to stay 'single' until our next meeting, naive as I was, and to practice chastity. Hah. Turns out it's not easy. And it's boring. And I know this sounds awfully egoistical and mean and all, but that's just who I am. I'm not a saint, hell no. I'm a girl who wants to enjoy herself while she can, and that's precisely what I'm doing. I enjoy the feeling of being wanted. He wants me, he tries to have me, I let him struggle for a while and then he gets me. It goes on and on, in circles. And it's so much fun. The sex is good, the chemistry is good, none of my time is wasted when I'm with the other one. I don't close my eyes and imagine you in his place, I never did.
But on the other hand, there's this nagging feeling. I supposed it's the girl from back then, accusing me and making me feel like I'm a terrible person. I am a terrible person. You just don't know it.
In all honesty, I do feel guilty. A lot. Sometimes I wake up at night crying and I think to myself, how can you do this to D? How can you do this to yourself? But then I think about all the times you've neglected me. You don't deserve me. Only the question is: Do I deserve you?
I don't know. We'll never know.
So let's just go on and play pretend, though it's tiresome at times.
/P.
It's strange how I can be almost completely honest with you this way. I'm not entirely honest. That's material for another blog. I won't ever write to you in that way, ever. Even though it's an unofficial letter to you, it's still a letter in some way meant for you to actually read, in a parallel universe or whatever. So I choose to keep away my darkest side from you after all.
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